To Celebrate the great month of October, Halloween and my Birthday :)

Five Horrifying Ways to Ditch Your Date

You’re on a date and it’s turned out to be a huge mistake. Some people are prepared for this and have prepped a friend to call midway. If the date’s going well, you ignore the call. If it’s going poorly, you answer, pretend it’s an emergency and cut the date short. But these days, you’re not fooling anyone with that ploy. So if you want to spare your date’s feelings and ego, you’re going to have to get a little more creative. Below are 10 horrifying, but plausible excuses for cutting the date short. I use the word “plausible” loosely. It really depends on your delivery… Zombie

1. Zombie Apocalypse

You’re at a restaurant with your date, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. When you return, hold your arm and pant like you’ve just been in some sort of struggle. Announce the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us and a zombie just took a chunk out of your arm. Everyone knows ZA is a reality, it’s just a matter of time. So when your date goes sour, the time is now. Explain to your date that you’re not sure if it’s a Dawn of the Dead ZA or a 28 Days Later ZA. A DDZA means you won’t turn into a flesh eating zombie for a while. But if it’s a 28DLZA, you’ll turn almost immediately. In a desperate tone, say Don’t take any chances. Run! The downside here is that you’re left with the tab. Alternatively, you can tell your date that you’re going to quickly run to the gun store so that you can blow your own brains out. Don’t forget to thank your date for a nice time.

2. The Wolfman

Same scenario as #1, but when you return from the bathroom, pretend the water you splashed on your face is sweat and confess you were bitten by a strange wolf the other night when you were hiking in the mountains alone in the dark. Start to shake like you’re turning into the Wolfman. Grow fingernails and hair, if you can. But make your date believe you’re a blood-thirsty wolf. Don’t make the mistake of saying you’re a vampire. Both chicks and guys love vampires for some reason. With all the movies and television shows today that glorify being a vamp or bitten by one, you’ll defeat your own purpose. Put a stake in that idea immediately.

3. Murder

Use the phone call you get from your friend to let your date know that your doctor just called. It was just confirmed that you have 24 hours to live because someone murdered you. Well, with poison that takes 24 hours to kill you. Oh, and there’s no antidote, just like in DOA. So you have to quickly retrace your steps to solve your own murder. Everyone is a suspect, including your date. Eye him or her suspiciously then run out of there yelling, There’s no time to lose!

4. Psychosis

This one is pretty simple. Once you realize your date’s a dud, start quoting Norman from Psycho: You eat like a bird. But -I-I don’t really know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing things… That should get the ball rolling. Then start talking about your relationship with your mother. Obviously, this works best for guys. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. If that’s not enough, start speaking as if you are your mother: Go on, go tell her she’ll not be appeasing her ugly appetite with MY food… or my son! Or do I have tell her because you don’t have the guts! Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy? At that point, she’ll make her own excuse and cut the date short.

5. Hell and the Devil

Tell her the funny thing that happened to you today; how you accidentally knocked an old gypsy woman into the mud and she cursed you to hell. Check your watch, because apparently in the next half hour the devil will Drag Me to Hell. Of course, anyone around you will be dragged to hell along with you. If that’s not enough, switch to Exorcist mode and talk like Linda Blair. If possible, do a complete 360 with your head and projectile vomit pea soup. That always seems to be the clencher.

If you’re not going to be straight up with your date when things go south, at least have the courtesy of being creative. Sometimes the most outlandish excuses are the most believable. Because, who would seriously use these excuses if they weren’t true?

Enjoy your date

Liz Vicious